Happy or Crappy Shrawan?

All I can think about when I hear SHRAWAN is people clad in reds, greens and yellow dresses, dangling potes on their necks, clinking glass bangles, hands and legs filled with designs of henna and FASTING.

Every thing goes great until I imagine fasting.

Would a man live more if you stop complaining and cooperate with him or would he survive more if you fast? Well men on those days were pretty clever because the lesser energy women have the lesser they fight right?

I know. I know. Fasting and abstaining from meat is pretty healthy, during this time of the year more as  the metabolism is poor and meat carry much more germs than vegetables.

But how sane would it be to push yourself to fast if your body can't cope with it and you land to hospital with your entire week's diet jumbled.

Not complaining more let's look at the better part. Everyone goes Gaga over  Mehendis during Shrawan. Whether it be incorporating the name of your loved ones or your favorite football team or favorite series Mehendi is bae.

It gets better because compared to potes Mehendis don't have the marriage quota.

Aunties say darker the Mehendi the more love from your husband. It's funny how my would be husband's love is directly proportional to the chemicals used in my Mehendi.

Again I wonder how these aunties are so into darker mehendi but not into darker girls and push fairness creams every time as if fair and lovely had sponsored them .

No attacks on the religious sentiments, do what makes you feel good. If doing all of these makes you happy do it I am no one to poke my nose on everyone's business. My nose is anyway smaller compared to the Brahmin standards.

But make sure you stay away from Mehendi filled with chemicals and stop fasting as soon as you feel you can't handle it.

Happy Shrawan.

Mehendi and Life

Just like Mehendi or henna takes time to get darker things and relations take time to get stable and smooth.

If you want to get a faster one you will have to retort to  red ink stamps. Well  if you have applied it earlier you must know how messy it can get  and can fade off in a day.

Yes you might say Mehendi doesn't last more than a week either if you work regularly. Well nothing does but for things to get beautiful you gotta be patient. That's how life is. You gotta be patient until the flower blooms, you gotta be patient until your hard work takes a shape.

With that I don't mean be patient with people who abuse you, exploit you. Either you have to develop a thick skin which might explode any time or you have to step away because being patient with what makes you vulnerable is detrimental.

If you have read this post make sure you are patient with things but at the same time not with those which troubles you. Make sure you are the first baby boo and kissy poo of your life. Love yourself like no one has. Things will gradually start falling on right direction. 

19 resolutions for 2019

I am not a resolution kinda person but lately as I have to constantly juggle between work, education and family and there's so much on my plate, things aren’t going as smooth as I anticipated it to.

So this English year just to make my year a bit systematic and my life a little sorted, I have come up with 19 resolutions for 2019 (Even if I get half of them accomplished that would be enough). Here they are:

1) Keeping  my laptop and gmail sorted

There are times when I need pictures or files immediately but I tend to forget where I had placed it as they weren’t properly organized.  My mail is flooded with spam and messages that literally have no connections with me. My desktop is clogged with so many files that my desktop doesn’t seem any different from Kalimati fruits and veggies market. Thus, I have cleaned my desktop with only 6-7 icons now and have deleted more than 300 mails to start with.

2) Reading more books

Maybe this tops the list. It's been approximately 4 months I have not read a single new book. The last one I read was from Rupi Kaur but since then all the new books I brought are virgin and completely untouched. Thus its time I actually get back to my bookworm mode at least partially if not completely.

3) Playing games

Okay with playing games, I do not mean PUBG or mini militia or clash of clans but I mean real games. This year I am planning to getting back to the 90's and actually playing indoor and outdoor games.

 4) Stop procrastinating

Well with passing year my habit of procrastinating has declined significantly but there are still rooms for improvements. It is definitely not an easy task to snap myself out of it but I will try my best. J

5) Visiting doctor more often

It's not that I am afraid of doctors or their fees but I am also a typical Nepali who visits doctor only when the condition has significantly worsened and I literally have to get hospitalized. Thus I prepared myself to visit my general physician and dentist more often.

6) Working on my Vlog

As you all know along with blogging I have started vlogging too, I will be working on it this year.I uploaded a vlog on Tihar which not only helped me to learn adobe premiere but also other skills.

This year I have planned to learn adobe Photoshop as well and more tips and tricks, effects and ways to make the videos better on content, visuals and presentation. Along with blogging I will keep continuing the vlogging as well .

7) Developing my vocabulary

Hadn't I started working in Nepal Television, I would hardly understand the value of a robust vocab. During my work here I have understood that 2 words which we believe are synonyms do not actually mean cent percent same. Thus one needs to have words in order to perfectly describe a moment and that wont be possible without a good vocab.

8) Keeping a memory jar 

Facebook has helped me a lot with it but I realized that I totally neglected my small achievements while I was looking at a larger picture. This year I will strictly maintain a memory jar so that I can know how I surpassed some moments I thought would be impossible to cross.

9) One movie a week

Not necessarily in movie halls, but I will make sure to watch one movie a week. I have already started this resolution of mine way before the year 2019 has actually begun and I feel pretty good. Not only are they entertaining but it has helped me to learn many new words and structuring as well. 

10) Going through social media detox

I don’t know if I will be able go for a complete one month detox as majority of my works and opportunities come from these platforms. But I will definitely lower down my usage of social media. 

11) Saving Money

If I compare myself with the old Shail, I have started spending money way more lavishly. I don’t know how much can I stick to this resolution of mine, nevertheless I will definitely control my expenditures.

12) Learning to drive and dance

I had already learnt how to drive a car but as I haven't practiced it since very long I don't know if I can make it without few accidents. moving to dace, I do dance well but I want to learn new dance forms as well. Thus this year will be about learning how to make a body and vehicle move systematically and beautifully. :D 

13) Making a Schedule

I have realized that schedules make you work more systematically and when its written its better. Thus I will start working with a written schedule.

14) Travelling more

Except to nearby restaurants and cafes I hardly remember a day I had stepped out of my zone let alone district.

I did go out to conduct research but I have traveled nowhere since then. This year I will make sure I travel more often.

15) Being kinder to myself

I have noticed that I have been really harsh to myself this year as I hardly go out without a purpose. So this year I am definitely being kinder to myself and taking myself out for dinner, massages and spas.

16) Staying on diet but experimenting with food

I stayed on a diet for almost a year with a weekly or monthly cheat days. Now I feel that I had actually been pretty unfair to my taste buds. Thus this year I will not stop myself whenever I feel like trying a new item but I will not overeat or binge eat.

17) Exercising

As I have stopped gymming and I hardly walk 20 minutes a day I feel that I am not as energetic as I used to be. So this year I have planned to spend at least 20 minutes on stretching and light workout besides walking so that my energy levels are high throughout the day. 

18) Talk to my old friends

Making new friends is fun but if you actually have to vent your frustration and anger or relive your old memories you need an old friend. Talking to your old friends when you are completely devastated actually helps. Thus I will make sure I talk to my friends more often.

19) Making sure I keep all of the resolutions above :D

A modern love letter

Dear love,

I don’t know how long will this letter take to reach you but whenever it does I believe it will be the right time. And yes I miss you a lot even though I don’t know who you are.

By the time we meet maybe you would have dated a lot of girls. But it wouldn’t bother me at all if “US” would be the last one. On the contrary I would be happy for I know dating girls isn’t easy these days. I wouldn’t bring your past in the present and future and hope you don't do it either. I hope we both work on making our present brighter than our past.

See I would love if I could go out with you every day, but I know it's not feasible. Thus whenever we really go out I hope your phone and your Wi-Fi both are off. I will definitely support you if you have professional problems but I hope we push it away when we are spending our “WE” time.

I want a love which consumes me, but does not make you blind to the fact that we have our world outside the bond we share.

I hope you don’t demand for respect because of your sex but on the basis of how you behave.

If you want a baby boo who calls you every next hour, asks what you are doing and asks if you have eaten or not I am definitely not  the right person. We are adults and we should give each other our personal space. But if it’s about your wellbeing or mine, I hope we are together in it.

See, however hard we try not to develop expectation we tend to have some. At times you break them too. In those times I hope you man up and console me and cheer me up. You don’t become small when you do that. I will do my job if it’s my mistake.

If things don’t go right drifting apart will be the right option but if it does and ends in marriage that would be perfect.

World says marriage is tough; it’s a trap and another name for compromise. How can such a beautiful bond be so if you have a person to share all your pleasure and pain along with you? Obviously life wouldn’t be same but why not work on making it better? Why not make this bond equal for both where our rights and responsibilities would be same. Where our in laws wouldn’t be saasus and sasuras, but our parents. When I say that I mean mine too.

I want a guy who works hard, is successful and independent just like I want me to be. I can’t stand if you do nothing and I do everything. It might make me the queen of the home but I don’t want to be that queen. I want us to build our own empire for that's  what our children would be looking up to. Every time people tell you that I am better I want you to smile just like I would if somebody would say so.

I know these are very small things which usually all normal couples do. But I also know these are the things if not fulfilled  brings hurricane.

With love,
Your love.

Welcoming new family members

I have transcended from grass to grace, from weakness to strength, from nothing to something and that my friend is the power of Golden Gate family.

Almost 8 years back I was sitting right in that chair confused and perplexed if my decision to study in this college would make me content or repent in the future. And now I can say that’s the best decision ever made in the history of mankind obviously after the one where my mom decided to give birth to me.

Anyways jokes aside I am really happy that I chose this college among all.

Back then I was a distinction holder. त्यो distinction लेखेको report card समात्दा लागेकोथियो कि सारा संसार नै जित्याथ्ये.  Hey but the story doesn’t end here, suddenly the width of my books increased. My single biology book was as big as my social studies, Nepali , E.P.H and English book combined.

Mummy ले पकाको मासु भातमा छाला  हुँदा रिसाउने मान्छे म भ्यागुता र गड्यौलाको केमिकलले गनाएकोत्वचासँग खेल्दै थिए। Distinction को फुइ लाउने म जब grade 11 को 1st term मा fail भये बल्लतेतिबेला आफ्नो औकात  थाहा भयो।

Two years passed my +2 life came to an end but so did my journey with science. I made my mind to get a break up with Science and be in relationship with Humanities. I chose GoldenGate College once again to pursue my bachelors in social work. 

सब आफन्तहरुले नजा भनेकै थिए। बच्चामा के बन्छेस भन्दा मैले पनि डक्टर बन्छु भन्या हो 

But after two years I realized science wasn’t made for me. I am damn sure that Mbappe is among us. Though they didn’t play that well this world cup I am sure that a Christiano and a Messi is among us but I am also sure that the Mbappe, the Messi and the Ronaldo will die because he will be forced to study science.  Oprah Winfrey an individual who choose the “पत्रु profession” of journalism has property worth 3 kharab. Even if we add all of our properties and multiply it by 10 it would still not be 3 kharab.

But to a war torn Syrian victim who has been fighting with life and death would find medicine to be the most respectable job because ultimately when you are in death bed you need a doctor to save you. To a person who has to sleep endless nights under open sky, to a person who has to walk for three days to grab a vehicle an engineer would be the most respectable job.

See each and every profession has an importance of its own whether you are a doctor, an engineer, a scientist or even a menial worker. Make sure you step to the right platform.

By now I have worked for Maiti Nepal, UN, US Embassy, Chinese Embassy and many more organizations. I have traveled throughout the world and that has been possible because the college brought world to my feet. I know it may seem an exaggeration but that’s the truth indeed. It brought me close to the source of knowledge; it assured me that if I studied well I could excel, it taught me to create my own identity rather than being a duplicate of someone else.

I do not stand in a position to give you all advises, as I believe each individual has their own path and they have to trod their own way. But there are three things I want to leave you with:

    You only get life once thus make sure you do what you want to. Love what you do and do what you are passionate about. If science is your subject pursue it wholeheartedly.

    Life मा सबै भन्दा ठुलो risk भनेको risk नलिनु हो. You didn’t bring good marks in SEE but you really want to study Science. Take the risk. Prove that you are tougher than the problems.  After a month you believe that biology is not your section, go to physical group take that risk. This is the age of making mistakes, falling and rising again and developing skills.  Risks are challenging, but that’s what helps you to challenge the challenges.

Nepal still lacks visionary and skillful people. We still need ample of doctors so that no one would have to go to foreign countries for treatment; we still need ample of engineers so we don’t have to bring experts from other countries.  Thus be skilled, aim for good marks but don’t make that marks determine your identity.

As Baba Ranchoddas Chaanchad says “Kaabil bano kaabil, kamyabi toh saali jhak maarke peeche aayegi”

Thank you one and all. 

Dear Dad

Dear dad, 

It’s been like a month that I have been missing you and mom more than ever. At times when I am left alone I remember you and mom all of a sudden, I get reminded of the shaft of wind I felt in Seattle; in your home in our home. I miss waking up to the warm pancakes and coffee. I miss the pleasure of being carefree and getting pampered. I miss me being lazy and sleeping in your mustang yet getting woken up with “Gosh you snore a lot” (hey that’s so not true). I miss our craziness in Leavenworth. Every time I wear the hoodie you gave me, I miss you more. 

We hadn’t spent much time together but every time I see pictures of you, mom and Ayden all the memories come gushing in. Maybe it is because you were completely different from the conventional American parents I had imagined of or the media had portrayed as. I had imagined an individualistic family to welcome me but I got parents whom I could hug and share my problems with. I got a dad who said that I could bring my boyfriend in his home if I wanted to run away and he would get me married (I laugh every time I remember that)

When mom bought food for her going to be son in law, when you drove the homeless guy back to his place, when mom was so worried about Mia’s condition and you were complaining about the vet, when your tables were filled with books on parenting and when you were so worried about Ayden I could find no difference in between you and other South Asian parents. At the end when it came to speaking language of love both worlds reacted similarly.

I still remember you had asked me when I was playing with Mia and Ayden “Would you cry if I died?” I had said yes I would and you had smiled. I meant that at that point too and I mean that today as well. Thank you for making me a part of your family.

At this point of time I so wish I was besides you. I really mean it. Nevertheless, you both will rock as grandparents. Ayden is hell of a lucky boy that he has you two besides.

Lots of love,
Your daughter. 

A Woman's letter to the world!

Dear World,

I am a woman. A woman who constantly juggles her personal life and professional life yet is always taken for granted and never appreciated. If only you had to hire someone for everything I did, man you would be broke!
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“Keti bhayera dherai chumchum nagare hunxa. Bihe garera ghar chodne jaat hos, aafno thaauma bas”  if I would get a penny every time I had heard this I would have already been a billionaire with my photo in the Forbes list.
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Men based in Australia searching for nurses as their wives (because its economically profitable) is normal but if I search a business tycoon, Hey I am an official gold digger.
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And if I am a goal digger, its worse ain’t it? I mean that would make me arrogant and a bad mother right? And again if I clean my husband’s bank account I am definitely gonna be the highlight of the kitty party. If a male boss is stiff he is commanding if I do the same I am bossy. If I don’t respond when you approach as I am waiting for my drink in a bar I am arrogant and if I do I am ready to get in your pants. What logic!

Why is it that I am judgmental if I focus on appearances of a guy at the very first hand when I get marriage proposal but it’s not same in the men’s case if they look for bigger assets?

As I walk towards my office, it infuriates me when people say "Ek haatle taali Bajdaina" after reading news on rape cases. Seriously? Now tell me that a five year old goes to 40 years old and asks for it. Tell me a 75 years old woman who can barely walk gets raped because she is horny. (Claps)

If a guy enters to my home my neighbors beat Shakespeare and FBI. One for developing drama and second for too much of investigation. With their tiny minds and bigger mouths they keep on trumpeting. But hey whatever happens, the guy isn’t the one to be blamed. Blame on me. (Nods)

If I reach to a guy’s home it’s definite that I am to be blamed. How dare I go to my friend’s home? How dare I invite my friend in my home? Isn’t it giving him an open invitation? Let him awkwardly stand outside the gate in the scorching sun. Chuck the Atithi devo bhava. (Salute)

As soon as I hit 20s I am asked to learn cooking. Not because it is a skill that all human should possess but because hey my husband would not and could not do that. How can I believe males can’t cook when Gordon Ramsey (considered to be world’s best chef) is a god damn male? How can I believe males can’t cook when I find only male chefs with white aprons and white caps in every hotels and restaurants I go?

The worst one calling everything PMS. If I am angry it is assumed that I am going through that time of month. If I am sick, again that time of month. Then starts the custom of naming PMS as “naatak”. Before you call our PMS tantrums or nakhara or naatak do you have the slightest idea of how painful it is? I know now you will come up with the question do you know how painful it gets when someone hits you on your balls? No. I don’t have them so no. But do you get hit on your balls every 5 days a month? Nervous breakdowns, cramps, back pain, nausea, irritation, dizziness, bloating hits you all at the same time and you expect us to be normal?

If I am short who marries a Lilliput? If I am tall how will I find a boy? I mean who marries a walking Gulliver? If I am fat I am not a marriage material. Who is gonna marry me when I occupy two seats in a public vehicle? Fats only in ass and breasts look good not everywhere. And again If I am skinny (skinny enough to be called a toothpick or for the air to blow me) how can I carry my baby’s weight? Why am I just talking about marriage? Isn’t it the only thing that women are born for according to the society? If I don’t get married wouldn’t my relatives and neighbors be jobless? (Smirks)

Let’s suppose I am a rebel who marries the person I love. This love shuv should happen after marriage right? Considering that suppose I am a rebel. Once again it’s not the man to be blamed. I mean which man approaches for love? There are two people in a relationship but it’s only the woman to be interrogated, blamed and bashed. No one says hey you are a Nepali man you need to marry the girl who your parents choose, do they?

From the very first ritual and very first day I am expected to start my marital journey with sacrificing my surname and the list never ends. If I am sick any day then the line would be “biraami raixau. Dal bhaat pakaayera bhaada maajideu ani kapda haru dhoideu and satta bhui pusera rest gara na ta.” Why is it that you worship fictitious women but at times forget that we should be treated at least like a human being?

Why do I become “unmotherly” when I say I am not ready for a baby but my husband doesn’t become “unfatherly” if he says the same? Why is it okay for him to be career focused but not for me? Realizing that it’s me who has those mammary glands and uterus shouldn’t I be equally ready too?And if I am not ready to give birth I should be ready to hear words like infertile, baajho and what not? The worst part those words hardly come from men.

85% in bachelors degree, super pretty, topper of her batch. Well I am not talking about me that's my best friend. How you wish to be like her? How I wish no one has life like hers. A day before her boards too she is expected to organize a feast for her in-laws while her husband and  mother in law sit idle with their legs on the table. With smile attached on her face, she works without complaints. Only I remember her face when she said that she would never look at her in laws once she steps the foreign land. And you ask why do women these days want men who have settled outside Nepal?

“My wife is so childish” before you say that while munching those cashew nuts with whiskey on the rocks remember how much of care and attention you demand and how possessive you are. Okay I am not saying you to be charged up every single time. I know when we ourselves are not in a state to understand problems around us, you aren’t a god to get it. But at least stand besides and listen to it rather than just pretending.
 
I know it isn’t fair for me to blame men completely for the pain we have been going through. We women ourselves are responsible too. When women bash women, keep on backbiting about each other, treat daughter in laws poorly just because they didn’t come loaded with dowry, treat them harshly if they didn’t give birth to a male child and if they themselves do not support women our expectations from men seems futile.

See the world is neither men’s nor women’s; it’s ours. The fact that there are good men too cannot be fathomed. All I am saying is I want more of the good men and more of the good women. It’s not only babies that are born out of unison of male and female. The entire world becomes brighter if we are in a symphony. Maybe men have come from Mars and we from Venus but we have settled in earth and we should make it beautiful. Let’s share the load emotionally, financially and morally. It will not make me less of a woman and you less of a man.

Hoping for a change.
 
Yours faithfully,

A woman.